TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let us have An additional location the place American men can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you Anyone a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the project, replied, "You recognize, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a element getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after locating the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is presently attracting attention from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may even consist of:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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